aren’t beginnings just the best feeling in the world? i find whenever i am in the beginning of a new adventure or stage in my life, i almost feel like i am floating through life. take the beginning of a new relationship for an example; we’ve all been there and found ourselves thinking about life-ever-after with this person we just met mere moments ago. we are so eager for life to begin, that we often times forget there is still a middle, and an end to those beginnings.
for me, i am beginning one of the biggest, most exciting stages of my life; healing from sexual trauma. for my readers who have known me for quite some time, you may be saying, ‘jess, you’ve been talking about healing for a long time!’ yes, that is true, but i recently discovered that healing from sexual trauma isn’t in one lump sum, but rather a continuation of little victories throughout the process. discovering this made healing more enjoyable, more real, and less traumatic on my psyche and spiritual well being.
today i am able to look at life differently because of all of the small victories i have had since my road to healing began, several years ago. now, rather than seeing darkness, i honestly can, “see the light at the end of the tunnel”. i don’t mean that my road to healing is nearing it’s end, because i don’t truly believe healing from the impact of sexual violence will ever end, only that there is Light guiding my way through each of the obstacles this experience has put in my way.
my Light is my relationship with the Lord. He guides my way by showing me my options, showing me which option He prefers, and let’s me have a choice. for any victim/survivor of sexual violence, the ability to make choices after trauma is so imperative to healing, and how great that i worship a God that gives me choice? He gives me the opportunity to choose His path, or forge my own, and protects me even when i choose “wrong”.
psalm 18: 28 “you oh Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”
the psalms remind me that i am not alone in my suffering, in my questioning, and my desperation to find the Lord in my darkest days. sometimes i think the psalms and the book of job are the only legit writings of Christ’s followers because the authors eloquently capture the very nature of longing for their King to rid the world of evil.
i am very sensitive to the evil around me, and sometimes i foolishly give it power to drag me down. i think most of us can attest that. aren’t there some days where you just feel crummy? maybe your coffee machine didn’t work this morning; someone cut you off on the freeway or your boss yelled at you because they were having a bad day? now because of all the bad things that have happened you can’t be excited about date night with your partner/spouse, or your kids concert at school.
instead of letting the little road traps strangle the light from your life, take each moment as it comes. 7:00a was bad, make 8:00a great by treating yourself to your favorite coffee shop brew. your boss yelled at you for something, take moment to go outside and breathe in the fresh air and get some vitamin d. needless to say, don’t let the enemy cascade your light, but rather let your light suffocate the darkness of the enemy.
p.s. this is the beginning of my new blog, aren’t beginnings great?