hello friends. once again i feel i must apologize for being so late on my posts. i left the social media world a couple of weeks ago in hopes to focus on my novel, and unfortunately life happened and my posts needed to be pushed. i hope to share bits and pieces of it on my post, so stay with me!
in the last several weeks since i last shared something with you all i’ve had to face some pretty tough realities. it’s been a reality i’ve longed for, for some time now, only i had imagined i’d feel much different when it happened.
i’ve mentioned before that i have little memory of the abuse that happened when i was a little girl. sure, i remember bits and pieces and feel fairly confidant about who was involved, but still the doubt lingers.
i got advice from one of my friends a while ago when i was really struggling with my lack of memory, to imagine the worst possible scenario and work on forgiving those people, for that situation. i thought this was great advice, but honestly, imagining the worst was difficult for me, mainly because it’s incredibly subjective. not to mention, what happens if my imagination isn’t as creative as the person who did whatever they did to me was?
regardless, i worked on acceptance and forgiveness. i worked on accepting the things that i didn’t know and validated my feelings, my symptoms, flashbacks and experiences. i worked on forgiving myself for not remembering, for not standing up for myself and not saying no, and other aspects of the abuse that are too personal to tell, even blindly, on social media. i felt compassion take over me as i thought about the men, women and children who sexual violate others.
once that happened, it became easy to forgive the people in my life who had hurt me and truly let it go. or so i thought. . .
a few weeks ago, someone came forward and talked to my family about a memory they had involving myself and a man who lived in my neighborhood.
it felt like the earth’s plates were shifting underneath me with no warning. and though my parents had long since recognized and acknowledged that clearly something happened to me, i began to feel naked in front of them. like adam and eve, i just wanted to hide.
i spent the next few days going in an out of emotions like a revolving door. angry one minute to desperate for relief from my tears the next. i thought back to the advice my friend gave me and shook my head, “yep, my imagination wasn’t dark enough.” i muttered to myself. yet, now i realize the suggestion wasn’t the message i was supposed to learn.
isn’t it crazy when you think you’ve got a handle on something and then new information comes in and all of a sudden you begin to think you were never holding on to anything in the first place?
it’s sort of like eve in the garden. she got to sit, eat, lay, play, laugh, talk, etc with God all day, every day! every need she had was met before she even realized she had that need. then one day, this sneaky, but intelligent, snake slithers into her perfectly kept house and shakes her foundation.
i know i’ve talked about this a lot, and so have many other people but God just keeps revealing things to me inside it. i’ve heard it said when satan questions God’s direction eve took personal offense, which is why women desire to be loved, taken care of and rescued now. i’ve also heard satan pushed the pendulum too far and now women emasculate men trying to take their place and provide for all our own needs because we can’t trust anyone.
i’ve been taught that i am being punished on earth for what eve did. but Jesus says in 9:13 about the blind man that he is not suffering from the sins of his father, but so the works of God can be shown throw him. in fact, Jesus isn’t the first to say this, several places in the bible tell us we are not held accountable for the sins of our ancestors. (dueteronomy 24:16, ezekiel 18:19-20, jeremiah 31-29-34)
so, i believe firmly that hidden inside the obvious question of satan to eve is a much deeper, darker, more tragic question which leads eve to make the saddest decision. and it is that answer that we continue to struggle with.
satan wasn’t interested in eve confirming whether or not she could eat from any tree, nor was he truly interested in getting her to eat from it. he wanted to change her thinking, not her actions. because when we change our focus, we begin to see that world created. if we think sadness, we will see sadness. if we think happy, we will see happy.
with one question, he convinced eve that there was more. more to the life that she was living. that there were aspects of this life she didn’t know existed. by doing that, he got eve to agree to a lie.
by eve taking of the tree of knowledge she essentially told God, “you’re not enough. everything you have done, is not enough. i want more. i need more. i desire more. it’s. not. good. enough.”
i’ve long struggled with the concept that my belief in God doesn’t keep bad things from happening to me. i still get hurt, i still cry, i still get sick, people around me still die. i struggle to remain honest in my faith and do my best to hold it up in spite of the many worldly reasons to give it up.
yet these past few weeks have been eye-opening, both freeing and healing.
now, as i am presented with new information giving me ever legal right to pursue justice, i’m left thinking about the question/suggestion my friend had. can i forgive the worst possible scenario? can i really forgive this man for taking away my innocence? can i forgive God for allowing this man to take away my childhood? can i forgive those in my life who have judged me and denied the abuse ever happened?
of course, now i realize all those questions are a moot point. because the only question that matters is this one, is God enough for me? did Jesus dying on the cross truly wipe away all sins or just a select few? because until i have answered those questions, i won’t be able to move on.
we cannot even begin to understand the world we live in and have power over it unless we make the choice that regardless, “God is enough!”. when we expect God to fail that is what we will see. we must change our frame of mind, our thinking, in order to see the truth.
now, before people get upset. i’m in no way saying that those who choose to press legal charges against individuals are unforgiving or in any way seeking justice outside of God’s plan. i 100% support victims rights to choose how to handle their situation and do believe firmly that people (our community) should be safe from individuals who harm people. i’m attacking more of a personal, deeper issue with the definition of justice, compassion, and forgiveness in my own life. my hope is this encourages you, not discourages or shames you.
by the way, the answers the the questions are YES! i know God is enough. it took me a while to get here, but i’m here. the greatest aspect about finally recognizing this is that suddenly i’m much more keen to the words of the enemy and the tools he uses against me. it’s easier for me to see who i am now verses who the enemy wants me to see myself as.
i’m not some dramatic, pathetic, poor, little girl whose a victim to the ways of the world. i’m the daughter of a king who has been gifted with amazing gifts and strengthened through my experiences of this world. my words are valuable and deserve to be heard or read. my experiences have a point and will prove beneficial for others around me. but most of all, i’m a warrior. a survivor. an over-comer.
i stand confidently knowing that whatever this world throws at me, and when the doors fly open with more details of the abuse i endured, i will still be standing, dressed fully in the armor of God as i defeat my enemies.
so tell me, is God enough?