Will the Real Christian Grey Please Stand Up: My second opinion of the series on “Fifty Shades”

i was excited to see a domestic violence awareness ad during the super bowl this year. for those who didn’t watch the super bowl, the commercial was a reenactment of a 911 call by a domestic violence victim. the victim pretended to be ordering a pizza. the dispatcher asked the correct questions, and responded accordingly. we’re left to believe this victim got the help they needed.

we all sat in the dark room, and all i remember hearing from my family is, “wow.”

i have a couple friends who’ve experienced a domestic assault. some will live with lifelong injuries on a physical level, while others battle the emotional scars these relationships have left them with.

any one here read twlight? i did. probably a million times, each. i’m a sucker for vampires, what can i say. but the abusive tendencies of edward and bella’s relationship were glaringly obvious. likewise, so is the relationship between christian grey and anastasia steele, in fifty shades of grey. this makes sense considering fifty shades was inspired by twlight.

i’ve read various tweets and seen memes created by christian grey lovers. i read a tweet where someone said something to the effect of

“all men need to go see this movie and take notes.”

then there is this meme i found through pinterest

found via pinterest (your ecards)

found via pinterest (your ecards)

this makes me the saddest i think. but the fact is, “christian grey” is a real man. 1 in 3 men and women will experience violence by an intimate partner in their life time. (nomore.org) while 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will experience a sexual assault before their even 18 years old. (mncasa)

i can remember dating a guy, who i thought loved me. i thought his over baring attitude towards who i hung out with, what i wore, how much make up i had on, and even how much time i spent with him was because he loved and cared for me. after he’d lash out verbally towards me, he lavish me with gifts and his hurtful words became words of endearment. i had two friends at the time who finally made me see the light.

i had to ask myself, why? i’m an intelligent girl. i knew i deserved more, so why did i “settle” for someone who treated me so horribly? there were moments i couldn’t even look at myself. i was disgusted.

then i looked at the culture. i looked at the books that teen girls are reading. the movies, tv shows, and music that all our youth are watching and listening to. is culture to blame? no. but does it have an impact? yes.

opinion 2: christian grey IS a real person.

christian grey is a young billionaire, who is the ceo of his own company. his mother was murdered, likely by her pimp, in front of him. he watched his mother’s pimp beat her into submission, and when that didn’t work, he was beaten. he was adopted into a well-to-do family and given a new start at life. when he was a teenager, he was raped by his mother’s long time friend. this was how he was introduced to bdsm. bdsm wasn’t a life style choice for him. he was a necessity to deal and cope with his past.

many victims of sexual violence and domestic abuse deal with issues such as control and perfectionism. mind you they don’t all resort to this type of behavior, but in our own little ways, we have control issues. we crave it like our bodies crave food. it protects us from ever being hurt again.

i identified a lot with christian grey, oddly enough. his story is powerful. but here’s where his story has the potential to cause more damage.

women have a tendency to want to fix their spouses. we say to ourselves, if only he’d ‘fill in the blank’. the church culture has, for a long time, taught that love and forgiveness uphold above all else, including your own safety. i’ve only recently encountered pastors who encourage the partner of a domestic abuse situation to leave for theirs and their kids safety.

we are not responsible to change people. only God can do that, because only He sees the roots of the wounds we are battling.

here are some points to think about as you fantasize about christian grey and morn his “fictitious” life:

  • christian grey turns bdsm into a disorder- because of his background and the public’s general misunderstanding of bdsm, people have begun to think that all people who participate in bdsm come from a dark past. this isn’t always the case.
  • fifty shades of grey tells the story of a dark man with “abusive” tendencies who falls in love and changes his ways- this has the potential to tell our young girls that if you, “love someone enough, they’ll change” so just, “stick with it.” this message is incorrect. if a man hits you, he has an issue that needs to be fixed. if a man yells at you, calls you names, and robs you of your personal life, he doesn’t love you. and while he may change, some day, you may die by his hands before that happens.
  • christian grey isn’t a dominate, he’s abusive- ‘dominates’ are concerned with what the ‘submissive’ wants and deserves in their life. ‘submissives’ aren’t restricted from their friends and family or life. domestic abusers restrict their partners from their friends and families to maintain control over them. domestic abusers need that control because without it, their partner would likely leave them. a ‘submissive’ willingly gives control and submits to ONLY those things previously agreed to.
  • the obsession with christian grey being real is leading our youth to desire physically, emotionally and sexually abusive relationships without them knowing it- we all long for someone to love us so much they’d do anything for us. it’s natural to want to be taken care of and have all our dreams handed to us. from a spiritual basis, this is something ingrained in our spirits. our spirits know we NEED God, but our flesh fights that. we look for “god” else where. we find “him” in work, relationships, food, sex, materials, etc.
  • christian greys “sex skills” are fictional and send a false message to women, just like porn sends to men- in the book, anastasia experiences some form of “mind blowing” pleasure even if christian just looks at her. come on, really? our bodies were designed to feel pleasure, so it’s great that she can feel pleasure, but every time? this just isn’t true. truly great sex happens when you’re with someone you love and learning about each other. the idea that every woman responds the same way sexually to the same activities is incorrect.

we need to be mindful of how we let the images we see, or books we read guide us in our lives. take heed and if you’ve read this book, don’t allow it to define your relationship. if you’re sex life isn’t great, it isn’t because your spouse isn’t christain grey, it’s because there’s something else going on in the relationship that needs solving. go to a therapist, not a sex shop. you don’t need your man to hit you to have an orgasm. start talking.

1 Comment

  1. I appreciate your posting and agree with you. I recently blogged about how I think this movie will impact our society as well. Feel free to check it out and let me know what you think. https://vandenbergbrian.wordpress.com/2015/02/09/why-this-weekend-maybe-see-spongebob-instead/

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